Living in the Present

As Joseph Nguyen says in his book "Don't Believe Everything You Think";

"Many of us are tempted to do two things. We are ether tempted to ignore the past or live in it"

This is one of those gray areas in life where you can either approach it productively, or let it consume your life's progress.

I have been asking God to put the right person in my life to start a serious relationship. I figured that with God making no mistakes, I'd at least learn a valuable lesson with this endeavor he throws my way. With this, I ran into issues pursuing a recent relationship. At first things seemed great, granted, using a dating app to discover this individual, I got to know them slowly, texting, calling, day by day and by doing so we grew a connection together. I am a lover by nature, of course I caught immense feelings for this individual and I fantasized what the future of this relationship could have been, and quite often at that.

Whether or not we are debating if this is healthy behavior, it's genuine to who I am. God blesses us with traits or specifications that are soon to be complimented by the one he created as your counter-part, your match.

Things took a turn on the second date with this individual. After a night out we decided to eat and chat some regarding things we were seeking in our potential partner. The topic of dating apps came up, and with that the question regarding seeing others arose.

To some it's an obvious caveat that comes with the world of e-dating, however for people like me, this was a nightmare. For me exclusivity is huge for my own sanity, even if I am just dating that individual. I really enjoy the idea of committing to someone until you can't or shouldn't due to incompatibility. Am I wrong for thinking this way on Hinge?

"I am actually seeing one other person right now, and it's difficult because like you both have X qualities, follow through with actions"

so on and so forth they went on.

My mind immediately went blank, I regressed into thoughts of all that we have discussed and built over the month we'd been talking.

"Yeah that's cool, I understand" I said calmly, while in fact here I was freaking out. Of course I should have been straight-up with my date here, but I was honestly so shocked I had been compared to another prospect this directly.

This night was the main deciding factor in me stopping communications with this individual.

I want to discuss how this affected my life and views of past reflection.

Imagine hanging out with your favorite group of friends. You are about to explore the night city of your hometown, talk, eat, and enjoy the cool night breeze in each others company. Then, imagine experiencing that from a telescope, so far away you can't even hear the world around you. It may be hard to conceptualize what I mean here, however this is the best way to describe living in the past for me.

In the heart of Texas, Downtown Dallas, I grouped up with my friends after going through what I had gone though with my relationship pursuit. Obviously more quiet than normal my friends inquired what had been going on, and I told them everything. Getting that off of my chest definitely helped short-term, however as the night went on constantly fell back into thoughts of the past.

It was here I realized I had a bigger problem that I needed to address. Why was it that I was so attached to this individual despite it being such a short lived endeavor? Am I unlovable? There must be something wrong with me,

I thought.

The issue here wasn't that I was asking these questions in general, but that I was asking at the wrong place and the wrong time. By using the time together in downtown with friends to contemplate and reflect on my emotions I realized that I was missing out on being in the moment with them.

I pulled myself out of the hole of thoughts I was in, and the more I shared with my friends, I was able to take in the scenery. I started to feel the winds brush past me as fleets of vehicles drove past us. I squinted at the night sky reflecting off the massive towers the city provided. Most importantly I was actively participating in the ongoing conversations occurring within my friend group.

Friendly advice can go miles, and while very straightforward, my friends told me so many things I was too scared to not only hear but to accept as well. This balance between being able to reflect on the past, but doing so in the present is such a powerful tool. You must be willing to face your past. I am so blessed to have people in my life who are kind enough to take my problems and help me understand them on top of their own.

Here are the most important takeaways from the night:

• By not setting boundaries at the start of an endeavor, whether a relationship or not is immensely important, without proper setup, you will prolong the inevitable failure in pursuit. In my case, basic communication was something really important to me. In our current world, we are always near our phones, and for someone to not keep in touch while dating isn't sustainable. I tried to be someone bigger, I thought "Maybe if I change, or have some patience things will get better". While this isn't a terrible mindset to have in some cases, as previously mentioned, if something is apart of God's specific design for you, no changes are required when you find THAT person in need of your design.
• God will show you the qualities you lack regarding the pursuit of relationship commitment. Just as you want things out of a relationship, you should also be bringing your own qualities to the table, thus God demonstrates in his lessons for you in the form of things you should reflect and work on. For me, I realized that I was allowing my base principles and values to change based on irrelevant influence factors. Let God, purity, and genuine connection lead your relationships, not lust.
• I am worthy of the qualities I seek. There are plenty of aspects to an individual that I felt previously I was unworthy of. I felt that I might not get the individual of my dreams, however God will give you just that in the form of a lesson to prepare you for when the real thing comes. I sought after beauty both inside and out, but in this endeavor specifically, it was evident that the beauty was only external expressed. This ties into the fact that you should never compromise for what you feel you deserve. You are built specifically to be with someone who needs what you offer, things will come easy and you will be at peace when that time comes.
• Figure out if you are truly seeking a relationship early or even before you start seeking. I realized that a part of why I was seeking out a relationship was because I craved fulfillment. This cannot be achieved solely through a individual. I have come to an understanding that some aspects of personal fulfillment have to be done manually. Fulfillment requires facing inevitable risks, however through God's glory we can trust that he will deliver us to our destinations without stress or worry.

Overall, it is okay to take moments of time to reflect on your past. There are plenty of lessons you will come across when doing so. The important thing to remember is to not let the process consume your life in the present moment. Trust that God continue you on your journey always, Life is full of mountains and valleys so we must learn to enjoy the path in-between and accept the lessons God presents us.

I love you all, and thank you for reading.

Until the next,

Dominick Smith